"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure." Psalm 71:14-15

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Overwhelmed

I'm a bad bad blogger. A lot of stuff that has been on my mind lately I don't feel comfortable blogging about just yet, so I've avoided my blog altogether.

Since I last blogged, Matt had his 27th birthday. He reminds me often that he turned the age I was when we met. Thanks hunny, I remember. I got ZERO pics of his birthday, bad wife. I did buy him an awesome ukulele for his birthday. It's an authentic ukulele from a maker in Hawaii. He loved it. I still don't have any pictures of him playing it, but hopefully when things calm down I can get some.

Matt has been working an insane amount of hours trying to get a job out on time. They were supposed to post July 15th, then the deadline was Friday, July 24th. Today they were told that it's been extended to Sunday night and they are expected to work this weekend. BTW, my 30th birthday is tomorrow (more on that later). So, he's wrestling with doing a good job, giving me time, properly celebrating my birthday, etc. We thought after they extended the deadline once that we would at least (FINALLY) get to sleep-in together, enjoy the day and have my birthday party in peace. Not so much. Oh well. I know he feels horrible about it, so I try not to complain and make it worse. At least we will have 5 or 6 hours on Saturday to celebrate.

Matt being gone so much lately is starting to really affect me. By the end of the day Sunday (the 19th) he had crammed 6 weeks worth of hours into 4 weeks at work. Monday and yesterday I think he worked about 21 hours in 2 days. My love languages are Physical Touch and Quality Time (I'm bilingual), so obviously I am affected by this.

Last night I lost it (again, this seems to be a regular cyclical occurrence). I feel so overwhelmed and I can't break out of it. I will have a good week or two, then a bad. I never can seem to time my counseling sessions with bad weeks, so we've yet to address it. UGH. Anyway, there are a lot of things that are important to me as a wife.
  1. I love Jesus and want to have a close relationship with him, so I need and want to spend time studying the Word.
  2. I love my husband, so I need and want to spend lots of quality time with him.
  3. I want to be healthy and feel good about myself, so I need and want to exercise regularly.
  4. I want us to eat healthy, nutritious foods, so I need and want to cook good meals often.
  5. Clutter stresses me the heck out, so I need and want to keep up with housework.
  6. I want to take care of myself, so I need and want to get to bed in time to get a good night's sleep.
These are all things that are of the absolute highest importance to me, and they are ALL things that are daily or nearly daily things that need taking care of. BTW, I work a full-time job too. I am stuck in this vicious cycle of setting goals for all of these things, FAILING MISERABLY, flipping the heck out about it, trying to do better, setting more goals, FAIL, flip out/ rant, and so on. This has been going on for 3 freakin' months now and I have NO IDEA how to do any better.

THEN I start to think if just keeping up with life is hard now, what happens when we are ready for kids??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!??!!

OH, and BTW I turn 30 tomorrow, chubby, childless, and totally overwhelmed. AWESOME.

6 comments:

Lamm said...

You, my dear, are RE-DUNK-U-LESS! First of all, you are beautiful inside AND OUT! Now, I think in order to be somewhat happy, you have to accept that all things important will never be synchronized. If they were, we'd be a perfect person--which you know, we are not. If we were, we wouldn't need God's grace.

So, I think once we realize that everything isn't going to be complete all at once, it makes us that much more happy in ourselves when we do accomplish a daily necessary task--especially knowing that it was only done with a little help from upstairs.

I say this only because I struggle with most of the things you listed and fail miserably, and I don't work at a 9 to 5. I just have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, and try to get off to the right start again.

Heck, I think I'm the best wife ever when I get two bathrooms cleaned in one day! :)

I love you, JTB!

*Jill* said...

Yeah, I know it won't com all at once. But here's the thing, I get SO overwhelmed and discouraged that I don't get ANYTHING done. NOT ONE THING on the list. Last night all I had on my list was bathe the dogs and clean the bathroom. THAT'S IT. I didn't have to cook dinner because I had food at small group, and we hadn't planned to work out on Tuesday. I ended up not getting anything done because I was so tired, and I only had one thing on my list!!

Ballentine said...

Aww, Jill. Being overwhelmed is one of the worst feelings. :( But, I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday! I hope you have fun anyway, and for what it's worth... just from reading your blog... you seem to have it all, and have it all together :) Sometimes we are our own worst critics.

Melissa said...

Jill, I love you dearly and hate to see you so stressed out. Take it from one who knows and yes it may be from your little sister, you have to give yourself more credit! You are beautiful, you are trying, and you are making progress in all that you listed. You went running at the track, that's trying. You are making a list (goals) which is more than most people can say. And I know if we ask Matt, he'd say you are a wonderful wife and appreciates your patience with his work schedule.

You hold yourself to the highest standards which is an awesome thing to do, but at this time with all that you have going... please give yourself a break and take it one at a time. There is no deadline to have you cooking healthy, exercising more and spending more time with the Lord. So take it slow and love yourself for making the effort and each step forward you accomplish.

We all love you and want to see you happy.

Hilary said...

Jill- I can't say all the same stuff much better than Lamm and Melissa just did, I think you are awesome.
I just had this same conversation with my dad two days ago. I have a list of things I want to get done, and goals I set for myself and then my car breaks, I get that fixed, then my AC broke in my apartment, etc. I was so frustrated, and I told dad, I just feel like it is one thing after another, there is always this miscellaneous BS, when will it all work out and go as I planned?? well I am sure you know what dad said. LIFE IS MESSY, God laughs at our best laid plans, and we just have to go with the flow. I agree with Melissa. I think you are WAY ahead of a lot of people just by making an effort and a list. ALOT of people would not worry about it at all and live their lives in a not so controlled chaos. You can't control everything. You can only control yourself. It will all be okay. I know you worry about these things, and I do too, I want to be in shape and feel good about myself, too, but all I can do about that is make a the best choice I can every time I set down to eat. right? dont worry, we are all here for you. Your birthday will be great, and you have so much to look forward to!! I LOVE YOU!!

mrosev14 said...

I am really sorry that you are having such a tough time now. Hopefully things will start to get easier for you. Try to enjoy life, try to enjoy your hubby.