"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure." Psalm 71:14-15

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

"You take it on faith, you take it to the heart.
The waiting is the hardest part."

I feel like this is my theme song (by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers). So here goes. I did not clear this blog post with MDH, and he rarely reads it, so don't mention it ok? We are waiting on a lot of things, and it SUCKS. We are waiting for this house to sell so that we can move on with our lives.

Let's face it, I'm approaching 31 and I can't just assume that I have all the time in the world to have children. All I've EVER wanted to be is a mom. Anyone who knows me IRL (that's blog speak for in real life) knows that I am, and always have been, a very maternal person. Motherhood is the deepest desire of my heart, and I will take it in whatever form it comes, but I have a real and deep longing to be pregnant. It's normal, age appropriate, biological, and I'm not going to pretend it's not there anymore, because it is.

I've also been plagued by the fear that I wouldn't be able to have a baby. Infertility is a real problem that many of my friends have faced, and it is a very real fear for me. There is no medical reason that has surfaced to support this fear, but it's real just the same. The thing about fertility is that you don't know whether you can or can't have a baby until you start trying. And we can't start trying until the house sells.


We can't afford childcare as long as we are paying two mortgages. And we can't afford two mortgages if I'm not working (at home with a baby, eliminating the need for child care).

So we wait. We wait for the house to sell. Because there is nothing else we can do. We wait, and wonder, will we be able to have the family we desire when we are done waiting? Only God knows. In the mean time, we wait. And it sucks.


Ashley said...

That house will surely sell soon! You know y'all are still in my prayers!!! LOVE YOU!!!

The Laney Family said...

jill...from friend to friend...i wouldn't wait on the house to sale...if God brings you a baby...he will see to it that all other things work out. That is just the kind of God we have. We will now have 2 home and 2 babies on the way...and I just know that God will provide. i am praying for you. i KNOW that the wait is hard!

*Jill* said...

I've heard that from other friends, "God will provide." And I believe that he provides when we NEED it. I also feel like we got ourselves into this situation being greedy and falling in love with a house when we weren't ready/planning to buy. I feel like God also expects me to be a good steward of His blessings and provisions, and that I'm limited to one dumb financial decision a year! Your situation is totally different, you know that you are moving and you HAVE to move.

I just keep thinking, as much as we love our house, without the family we desire to put in it, it's just a stupid house.