It's called IGT

I feel like I finally have answers after over 8 months of part-time, or in my mind unsuccessful, breastfeeding.  I listened to this pod-cast about insufficient glandular tissue (breast hypoplasia) and it all started to make sense.  I don't have all of the common physical characteristics.  Between the characteristics I do have and our journey of Levi's weight loss and my inability to stimulate my supply, there is enough to cause me to believe I have a mild-moderate case of IGT.  I make about 2-3oz of milk every feeding, with the help of herbs AND Domperidone.  After joining an IGT support group on Facebook, I realize that my IGT is nowhere near as bad as it could be.  Some women only make that much in a DAY.  I'm very lucky that I can give Levi as much milk as I do.

But being part of the group has also helped me redefine what successful breastfeeding is.  I thought that because I couldn't give him all the milk he needs that I wasn't successfully breastfeeding.  But really, whatever I'm able to give him and keep going is worth it.  I AM a breastfeeding mother.  It may not look like what most people think of as a "normal" breastfeeding relationship, but that doesn't matter.  I don't need to qualify myself as a part-time breastfeeder, or a supplementer.  I give Levi every drop that I can.  I breastfeed, and that's important for me to say.

If you think you may have IGT, if you struggle with chronically low milk supply in spite of great efforts to boost production, go here as a start for self-diagnosis.  Hopefully, as more people learn about IGT, more mothers like me can get the help they need to be SUCCESSFUL, no matter what that looks like.

The End is Near

No I'm not talking about the East Coast Earthquake, hurricane Irene or any other of the natural disasters that have folks beating down the doors of their local church for fear of the Apocalypse. I'm talking about my breastfeeding journey. My heart is absolutely breaking into pieces as I write this.

As I've said before, breastfeeding was by far the most important thing for me to do for my baby and the one part of being a mother that I looked forward to most. As my 4 regular readers know, it has been anything but an easy journey. Hell, it hasn't even been a bumpy road. It's been an all out mud-crawling-military-obstacle-course-fit-for-a-movie (think Officer and a Gentlemen). After trying everything under the sun to get a full milk supply to come in, I finally came to peace with the fact that I would be a part-time breastfeeder. We had a schedule that worked for us and I really was happy with it, if I couldn't breastfeed exclusively. I had enough to feed Levi any middle of the night feedings, and 2 early morning feedings (around 6 and 8am). These are the least convenient times of day for me to deal with bottles, so really I couldn't complain. He had a supplemental bottle for his 11:30, 3:00 and 6:00 feedings after I breastfed him. And I pumped once after he went to bed, before I retired. This schedule worked for us for a good 2.5 months or so.

I started noticing last week a slight decrease in what I was pumping during the day at work. I had been pumping around 2 oz each session, meaning I was making between 2 and 3 oz per feeding. Levi started pulling off and throwing his head back and whining and fussing during recent feedings, I now know it's because I'm not producing as much milk as I used to. On Tuesday my monthly visitor returned. This is bad news. It means that since going back to work, the breast pump is not doing a good enough job getting milk out to keep my prolactin hormone levels high enough to keep my period away. The more the prolactin levels fall, the less milk I make and the more likely that my visitor will stay. In just two short days my production has plummeted. I don't even think I have enough to get him full in the morning without a bottle now. I barely have anything to give him and he is getting frustrated with the process.

I'm not greedy. Sure I wanted to breastfeed exclusively, but I gave up on that months ago. I just wanted to keep going as we were as long as he and I still wanted to, at least a year. This is all happening so fast. It's so sudden, so early, I'm just not ready for it. My heart is absolutely breaking. I'm hurting in a deeper place than I ever knew my soul to go. I can't feed my baby. My body was made to do this and it continues to fail me at every turn. I try to remind myself that I am grateful. I'm grateful for the medical advancements of the last century. 100 years ago, I wouldn't have a son now. He would have died months ago of starvation. I know that. But it still doesn't take away the pain I feel in this very deep place. I just want to feed my baby. I JUST WANT TO FEED MY BABY!! I want to feed my baby and I can't and I feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. This feels so unfair.

Well-meaning friends and medical professionals tell me it will be better next time, my next breastfeeding experience will be a breeze, it will be better with the next baby. That's great, but I'm not trying to feed the next baby. I'm not holding and consoling the next baby. I'm not looking into the frustrated hungry face of the next baby who just wants to nurse and get milk. Nope, I just want to feed THIS baby. We'll worry about the next one when s/he gets here.

I realize I'm a control freak, but why did it have to be this. Why was THIS the avenue to teach me some stupid lesson about letting go, blah blah blah. There's nothing I can do to MAKE my body make milk. And that's just the end of it. Just like that. It's gone and I can't do anything to get it back.

I'm so glad I didn't quit

I'm so glad that I didn't give up on breastfeeding. I still don't have a full supply, and Levi takes a supplemental formula bottle after most feedings. I still have to pump AND wash bottles (the most inconvenient parts of each type of feeding). But I'm still glad I didn't quit.

The time I have with Levi when he is breastfeeding is so precious. I love it. It's time that I have him and no one else can give him what I give him. Yes, it comes with it's challenges. Yes, he gets distracted and goes through phases of "playing" with his food that doesn't feel very good. But each phase of difficulty has passed and it's still enjoyable most of the time.

I wish more people would embrace that feeding doesn't have to be one or the other. Breast is definitely best, but when it doesn't work out as a full-time option, I wish that more moms felt ok about doing it part-time. I think the reason that women feel they have to give it up altogether if they can't do it full-time is absolutely the fault of the breastfeeding advocacy community. I've always been a HUGE breastfeeding advocate, and a bit snobish about it (remember). But I think this is where the breastfeeding community gets in its own way. There is so much pressure to breastfeed, that every other form or combination of feeding is shunned. Even with as hard as I tried to make full-time breastfeeding work, knowing that I have NOTHING to be ashamed of, I would still never pull out a formula bottle at a Le Leche League meeting for fear of being burned at the stake. I think that's incredibly unfortunate. Imagine how many more babies could be getting good milk from their mommies, if only their mommies felt ok about breastfeeding part-time!

No, I can't breastfeed exclusively. I deal with feelings of inadequacy and failure almost daily. And I have a hard time referring to myself as a breastfeeding mom without adding, "but I don't make enough milk, so I have to give him a bottle too." I wish none of these things were true. But I keep reminding myself that what he gets from me, no matter how little, is still good for him. And that if I were more narrow-minded about feeding Levi (breast or bottle, one or the other), that I would be missing out on a wonderful experience with my son. I hope that by sharing our journey that more advocates will open their minds and hearts when talking about breastfeeding to moms and moms-to-be. And I hope those who have had similar experiences are encouraged to do what feels right to them, no matter the pressures around them. But remember, feeding is not an all-or-nothing thing. You can do BOTH.

It's not about how hard you try

There are many things that I wanted to give my child before I actually became a parent. I wanted a drug-free, natural labor. I ended up with a C-section. I wanted to use cloth diapers, and that's actually going very well. But more than anything, I wanted to breastfeed my baby. In my mind, breastfeeding had to be the best part of being a mom. All the women in my family breastfed their babies. My mom always talked about how much she loved breastfeeding me, and how much she cried when I weened myself at 6 months. As much as I ached to have a baby, I looked forward to breastfeeding more than any other part of the experience.

I admit, I was a bit of a breastfeeding snob. I found myself judging women I saw in public bottle-feeding their babies. Wondering why they would settle for second best for their babies. When people had problems breastfeeding and chose to switch to formula, I just thought they didn't try hard enough to make it work. I assumed that there were things you could take for milk supply problems, techniques to try for lazy eaters, etc. If you were willing to try hard enough, anyone could make it work. Boy was I wrong.

From the moment Levi was born, I loved breastfeeding. It was everything that I thought it would be. We had a great first feeding, even after all the commotion of Matt's seizure. After that he was much lazier. He was in that newborn comatose sleep for a few days. There was 12 hours or so when he didn't have a wet diaper in the hospital (day 2 or 3, I can't remember), and that's when we first started supplementing. I cried so much. I hated giving him formula; it made him puke. The day I was discharged, my milk started to come in and I don't think we even brought any formula samples home with us. I was done with it, I thought.

At Levi's 1 week check-up he was not back up to birth weight, but the doctor wasn't too worried. He wanted to see us back for a 2 week to make sure he was gaining. In between those visits, the damage and pain from breastfeeding had really set in. It was difficult to let him feed as long as he needed to. I had also read a book that suggested single-side feeding, which I was doing to try to help myself heal. So he was only eating from one side each time, and I am not a large breasted woman so there isn't much storage space. Looking back, it was my fault he wasn't gaining weight. I was starving him, but I didn't know that. He was still losing weight at his 2 week appointment, he lost down to 7 lbs 2 oz from 7 lbs 15 oz at birth. I did nothing but nurse him and cry from the pain for the next 4 days. I saw a lactation consultant who did pre and post-feeding weights on him and said that it was "fine" for him to only get 1.6 oz in a 40 min feeding (we'll get back to that). When we went back on Friday (his weekly appointments were on Mondays), he had only maintained his 7 lbs 2 oz. Levi's pediatrician had me begin supplementing with formula or fortified breast milk. Each feeding I would nurse him as long as I could (25-40 min), then give him a bottle, then pump for 15 minutes. By the time I washed bottles and pump parts it took nearly 2 hours and he was eating every 3! The pediatrician said we not only wanted Levi to gain weight, but we wanted him to learn the difference between full and hungry so that he would be a more vigorous eater. I followed this routine from Friday to Tuesday and Levi gained a whole pound! I was a zombie though.

We decided to back off to supplementing every other feeding for the next week (I pretty much gave up the pumping though), and he continued to gain. I was still in a lot of pain. Everyone had told me that the pain goes away by week 3 or 4 and it hadn't. My husband was telling me to give up because he hated seeing me in so much pain. I've told everyone, I had more pain from breastfeeding than I did from the surgery. I called and made an appointment with another lactation consultant. She gave me some pointers on how to deal with the pain (nipple shields really help when you know how to use them!). She also did a pre and post-feeding weight and said that I had a low milk supply and that I would have to start supplementing with every feeding because Levi wasn't getting enough calories from me. At this point, Levi was 5 weeks old and I had seen the first LC at 2.5 weeks. I was so frustrated because I felt like I could have dealt with this issue a long time ago if she hadn't told me it was "fine." I was put on a strict breast-bottle-pump schedule every 3 hours to stimulate my supply. I was also on an Rx to help with milk production, one that my LC said she had only seen not work on 2 women in 15 years (both had PCOS, which I don't have).

Over the next few days I saw my milk supply plummet. I guess it was the increased supplementing. I panicked. I waited a few days for the Rx to kick in, nothing. I went back after a week with no improvement. She said give it another week, I did. I began to hate the breast pump. I loved nursing Levi, and I didn't mind as much giving him a bottle, but I always had to put him down right away to hurry off and pump. I hated it. I did this ridiculous routine every 3 hours, even trying to wake up in the middle of the night to pump while my baby slept, for nearly 3 weeks. I cried, and mourned and generally felt mad at the world. I was mad because my body was failing to do what it was made to do. I can't make enough milk to feed my son. It doesn't matter what I try, because I've tried it all (herbal tea, oatmeal, fenugreek, power pumping, Rx).

I finally decided that I needed to accept that I was a "formula mom" (something I NEVER wanted to be). I decided that I was done with the pump. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because I was tied to a breast pump. I could nurse my son and give him a bottle while I was out, but I can't pump just anywhere. I only pump like a normal person, 3 times a day. I nurse Levi and he gets all I have to offer, but the bottle makes sure he gets enough food. Yes, I'm disappointed, mad, jealous of moms who can feed their babies. But I've made peace with the fact that I tried everything, for a long time, and nothing worked to bring my milk up to a full supply. I know I did everything I could to give my baby the best, and maybe next time it will be different. Some people may think I'm nuts for not giving up completely and just bottle feeding. But just because I can't feed him a whole meal doesn't mean I can't feed him anything. Anything he gets from me is good for him. And as long as we both enjoy it, who cares what other people think?

I have learned not to be so judgmental of those "formula moms," because I don't want someone to judge me. They don't know my story or how hard I tried to make it work. Maybe this post will help someone who was like me to be more understanding when their friends give up on breastfeeding. Because sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, or how bad you want it, it just doesn't work the way it's supposed to.